What ‘The Northman’ Taught Me About Self-Help

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  1. Vengeance is a pretty good focuser. Find out who your enemy is, or discover an enemy and figure out how you will wreak your revenge on them. What tasks do you need to train to finish them?
  2. Train your body for a fight. Your workouts should be using your body to train to kill and avoid death. Your vengeance should be on your mind as you dial in on your workout.
  3. Wardrums are highly motivating. You should be focusing yourself through the loud sounds of beating drums. Roar and growl until you become very angry and enter into berserker mode for your workout where you focus on the death of your foe.
  4. Speak with a gravelly, or guttural tone. You won’t feel like much of a warrior if you sound like a weakling. Deepen your voice and add a pitch to it that sounds like the men in The Northman.
  5. Don’t be goofy. Never did The Northman show a sense of humor, I can’t remember him smiling, I can’t remember him doing anything other than being extremely stoic and focused. As you continue to remain in this state of mind you develop a warrior’s focus.
  6. Forget about lunch. Did the Northman even eat anything beyond the most basic gruel? He didn’t need to hydrate or feed, he simply existed as a complete being intent on revenge, and he was still huge for it! The main takeaway here is that your mission is more important than your meal.
  7. Sleep is for sissies. The Northman was constantly up all night getting into shenanigans. His thirst for revenge kept him energized.
  8. Don’t walk, stalk. Stalk around like you are stalking prey. Hunch your shoulders and flex your traps and walk with an intent to kill.
  9. Identify with a fearsome animal and act it out. Roar and growl like a wolf, or a bear, or a lion, or a crocodile, or an eagle, or whatever it is you want to identify that’s superhuman fearsome. Become that beast to feel more powerful than you ever have before.
  10. Ignore pain. You aren’t a warrior if you can’t ignore pain. Could you brand yourself with a hot iron as a slave in order to exact your revenge?
  11. Don’t be squeamish. A warrior isn’t afraid of things that are disgusting. Blood. Mud. Smells. Dead bodies. He simply isn’t revolted. He has the stomach for it. Fear makes one squeamish, what can we do to get rid of it? An overwhelming desire for vengeance.
  12. Don’t show fear. A warrior simply has no fear. They actually want to be killed in battle because that is their only way to get to heaven. This means they absolutely must learn to fight and get in fights if they are ever going to get a chance to die in battle. If you are in your best shape, and genuinely desire to die a certain way, then you have no fear and instead become feared. While we cannot do this in the modern world, it is important to have some sort of powerful desire and belief that propels you to do things you would normally be afraid of. Maybe instead of wanting to die in battle, you want to die with the most toys, or die with honor, or die surrounded by family, or die and leave behind a legacy or resources. Whatever your belief is, it should help you continue in your warrior’s quest. Maybe muscular strength isn’t so important to you, but the power of the brain is, then that is what you must be training.
  13. Accept the help of others. Even the baddest warrior has need for help from time to time. They are not too proud to accept this help, even if it’s from an unlikely source. You never know how helpful or resourceful other people can be, either in body or wisdom, so don’t reject help or dismiss it, they could even save your life.
  14. Bide your time. That crummy job you have? You are there biding your time, waiting for your fate to come to you when the time is right. You can even be degraded to the place of a slave so long as it serves your ultimate purpose: bloody retribution.



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Some serious and some satire articles. Only I know the difference.